Half way through the year is pretty much a new year too.
I’ve settled into a new house for university and my bedroom reminds me a lot of home, I feel at peace here, probably the most settled I’ve felt since moving. I am, however, somewhat unsettled by the single bed. In terms of practicality, it won’t take the weight of the other half and I on it. I simply just don’t want to share such a little space. In other ways, it’s not a big aspect of my bedroom any more. Time for relaxation, sleep and hiding on under the duvet on a bad day is slipping away for every summers day I’m enjoying. Third year is looming. When I look out of my new bedroom window I can see Old Joe. It’s familiar, it’s nice. I hope this year I warm to university even in the smallest way, after all, this will be the last year I ever spend there. I still worry I won’t be graduating with a 2:1. I literally scraped it this year.
A lot has changed. Mainly myself. I’ve always been slightly boyish, never one for following fashion or focusing on appearance.. Now? Now I’m obsessed with comparing myself to others. I want to be skinner, prettier, have different hair. I’ve spent so much time this past year worrying about clothes, weight and my face, probably as much as I’ve worried about my studies. I don’t know where it started, but it’s incessant. I can’t sit and read anymore, not through my own will. That was probably the biggest thing about me, I’d get through two books in a day, now I can’t even be bothered to finish a series; once, I would have thought that to be sacrilege. Academia used to be the most important thing to me. Now I just want to get a 60 and be done with it.
My aims have changed, I prioritise other achievements now. Menial things like losing a few pounds here and there, making the time to write down my thoughts, well, just because. I’m more lethargic now than I’ve ever been. It’s the direst of all ironies as this is the time I should be most active; moulding myself for the future.
Today I’ve eaten well, eaten less and been to the gym. I bought pillows and bed sheets. I’ve spoken to my parents. I’ve watched a new program. These small things make me feel like it’s been a good day. Today I stopped for half an hour and read a chapter of DH Lawrence (he is a maybe for my dissertation), soaking the sun rays up by the Floozy. She’s my favourite thing about this city, reminding me that I am still in love with this place. This is still my home even though I don’t always feel connected with it. Today I reflected on the fact that I still don’t have a clue what I’m doing.
Today, a drunk dropped his bottle of beer in town and grieved openly for it. Today, I’m okay. Everything will be fine.