‘All of the things that made you feel better, you should write it all down and put it in a letter.’

Dear ____

I wonder where you are, if you’re anywhere at all. I wonder how you are, if you still are an are.

It’s the 11th July 2013, it’s been hot for the last couple of days. It’s lovely, when the sun rays glisten on everything it really is easy to see things in a different light, a better light.

Today I woke up about half seven, probably my favourite time to wake up as it sets me up perfectly for the day. It doesn’t happen very often but I had bundles of energy, eager to do absolutely everything at once. I decided to start with the gym.

It’s my new routine thing. It really makes me feel incredible. Sometimes it’ll be a twenty minute run if I feel lazy, sometimes it’ll be two hours depending on how insecure I felt that morning. Either way the endorphin hit is addictive. I feel assertive and accomplished. It’s my time away from everything other than the machine and music. Today I listened to Oasis, ‘Roll With It’ is my favourite track. It really matched my upbeat tone. Today I went four extra levels above my usual workout. My knees are sore but it’s satisfying.

I had so much planned with my day. Realistically, today has not been a success -if success means achieving your to do list for the day. Today I’ve left the house in boy clothes, left my hair messy, went to the gym, cleaned, organised and had a bubble bath. These are all the things that have made me feel better. I’ve eaten food that I’ve thoroughly enjoyed. Asda substituted me some potatoes the other day, they’ve been the best jacket potatoes I’ve ever had. Food will always be my favourite thing. I’ve been stupid to try and be strict about it. Life is way too short and there are too many variations of kormas that I really ought to try. Custard creams always remind me of you. They’re still the biscuit I avoid.

ImageI’ve taken the time to listen to two new albums today. Actually I don’t know if they are new, but they are from bands that Mom keeps mentioning. I really like Passenger, their album ‘All The Little Lights’ is ridiculously good. There’s not a single song I wanted to skip, the only other band that does that for me is Gaslight Anthem. I wonder if you’d like them, it would have been nice if I could phone you up and tell you all about them. I also would have told you about Stone Sour at Download. I’ve listened to them a lot today too. You wouldn’t like them, but I know you’d appreciate more than some how special the moments were.

Today I’m better than I was yesterday. Not that I was bad. I need you to know that I am incredibly well. I have a job, I’m studying for a degree, I have my health. I have wonderful friends. I’m incredibly lucky. I’m going home on Sunday. You’d love Connor. I speak to him most days and that always makes me feel better, he’s the funniest kid I know. Extremely bright. Sometimes it’s easy to spot the aspects of you that have been reincarnated in him. I don’t know if you ever believed in that. I do.

I wish you were here and I wish my other half was here. I could write you a whole separate letter about how he makes me feel better. You would have got on well. It’s Thursday, the day I’d always come to yours. I’d bring him too. I hope wherever you are, if you are an are, you can see just how happy I am. Worry wart and all.

You won’t ever read this, but this letter has made me feel better. I miss you.

Today has been full of the smallest things, but I really do feel fantastic.

PS: The other album I listened to was by Kodaline, it was a bit hit and miss but they were the inspiration behind this.


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