Let me try and sum up myself in a short post. I’m not stable; in my job, in my living arrangement, in arranging time with my other half. I’m not happy. Today I didn’t go to a gig, which I deeply regret in the first instance, but in the second that is completely unlike me. I love live music. I love Neck Deep. I’m not comfortable in my own company anymore because I feel alone. I’m not comfortable in the company of others, because I feel alone. I’m not filled with intent and I have no purpose.
Today I tried to explain this to my parents. I tried to tell them about everything that’s going on in my life. I exposed my problems and here were the answers:
1. You’re making problems that don’t exist.
They do exist. I’ve told you that I exist as a vault of nothingness, drifting from computer to computer. Reading words and writing words. Nothing else. That nothing is a really big something. My issues in my relationship are real. Having nowhere wherever I am is real. My job being a logistical, pressurised mess is real.
2. It’s not a competition.
Maybe you mean this is a positive way. Don’t feel pressurised by what other people have. Don’t feel like you’re wasting away just because a member of your family is about to train for a meaningful career, while you sit and spellcheck all day.But I didn’t say anything was a competition. I was trying to explain how I need to take the next step in my life, how I need to move on and up. I just wanted to explain that I should be doing more. Or at least, doing.
3. Everything will work out for you, I promise.
I’ve learnt all through life that you have to work for what you want. You taught me that. Things don’t just work out. I have to take action. I feel like I’m implicitly being told not to take action – just let things play out. But I’m hanging in the balance, all of the time; between two cities, between 9-5, between spending time on my own and sitting next to people. When will things feel like they are working? Let alone working out for me.
4. Change your job, it’s just a job.
How do I even begin? How can I work full time and still find the time to experience different industries? How do I bite back on the thought that I should be teaching, but I can’t afford to give up my job. That giving up my job will nullify the chances of achieving the things I want. Why don’t you understand that it’s not just a job? It’s a measurement of success and I just feel like I’m failing. I don’t want to admit defeat just yet, even if it does all seem to be crumbling around me.
5. You just need to try.
I am trying so fucking hard. I’m trying not to drown in a thousand and one metaphorical ways.